I graduated from college with a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Science with Mathematics supporting and went to work as a software engineer in the defense industry for an aerospace company. One of the best things about graduating and going to work for a living was not having to be told constantly how wrong and worthless I was. I lived a couple of hundred miles from Mom & Dad but tried to make it home occasionally. Each time I arrived home, Dad and I would butt heads. We would be yelling and screaming at each other. To me, Dad was not always right anymore. He, of course, disagreed. He believed that he was smarter than me, even in my field, which he knew nothing about.
Mom would start crying as Dad and I screamed at each other and Dad would continue pounding on me (verbally) and then he would say: “You’re making your mother cry.” I would get back in my car and start heading for home. Usually, Mom would come out, bawling her eyes out, and beg me to stay. Usually, I stayed, and Dad and I would avoid each other all weekend. Occasionally, I had to apologize to Mom and leave anyway, promising to return another weekend soon.
This kind of behavior went on between Dad and I for years, until I learned to just ignore him when he would start in on me and try to prove himself superior.
For much of my adult life, it was a tenuous standoff.
The Search for Faith
When I lived at home with Mom and Dad and my sister, religion was not a topic that was ever discussed. But when I went off to college, I had many friends. Some were non-believers like me, and others were devout believers. Many were Christians, some were Muslim, some were Hindu, and any of another dozen or so faiths from around the world. I had great fun debating talking points with them. I especially enjoyed debates where we would switch sides. They would take up my position, and I would take up their position. If nothing else, our ability to do that, proved that we understood each others’ positions.
After college, I joined a bible study group. But I made the mistake of telling Mom and Dad about it and Dad went ballistic. He could not disparage, those people who would fill my head with such nonsense, fast enough. Every time we talked, he had to tell me how stupid it was that I was wasting my time in that way. He went out of his way to call me and tell me to stay away from those people. I was wasting my time.
Eventually, reading the bible just felt like I was reading a fairy tale. My friend who got me involved with the group told me repeatedly that God knows my heart. And when the time is right, he will reveal himself to me. So, I prayed on that. I said “God. You know me. You know what it will take for me to find faith. Please show me.”
And then I stopped searching. And I waited. And waited. And waited.